i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
