Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
