woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize