I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
