Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
