Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
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