Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
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