What did we do last night that was yellow?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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