i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
So squirting runs in the family.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
