I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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