have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Randomize
