We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
So vagazzling was a success
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
