please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
