the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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