My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Randomize
