they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
