Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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