Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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