I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
