I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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