Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
