I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
