Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
