shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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