When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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