so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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