He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
well you can't waste a boner
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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