My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Randomize
