So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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