I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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