If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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