Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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