If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Vodka?
Forever.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
