i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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