I will die if light touches me.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Randomize
