Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
