You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
