you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
