Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
