Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
