around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
NoShamevember. You game?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
