Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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