Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
