Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
