So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
