remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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