My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
