At least make sure they are 18
Why
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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