I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
