dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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