She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
