im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
