Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Randomize
