Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
