My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
