I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
